12 posts tagged “jokes”
Just wanted to put a smile on your face...........
BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning
kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the
cigarette out of his mouth.
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear
and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both
ears and comes out of the mouth.
MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andrew says I'm ugly.What
do u think,
Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
1) Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and
no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again
yesterday".
2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun
or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need
it but the sun gives us light only in the day time
when we don't need it".
3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on
talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
4) Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
5) My father is so old that when he was in school,
history was called current affairs.
6) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father
is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
7) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father
that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared,
past year's performance repeated".
8) Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a
donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be
showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say
prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good
cook".
10) Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering
doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show
that nine out of ten people die of the disease you
have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others
all died".
11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of
COINCIDENCE? "
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married
on the same day and at the same time."
12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped
down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning
kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the
cigarette out of his mouth.
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear
and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both
ears and comes out of the mouth.
MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andrew says I'm ugly.What
do u think,
Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
1) Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and
no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again
yesterday".
2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun
or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need
it but the sun gives us light only in the day time
when we don't need it".
3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on
talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
4) Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
5) My father is so old that when he was in school,
history was called current affairs.
6) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father
is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
7) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father
that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared,
past year's performance repeated".
8) Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a
donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be
showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say
prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good
cook".
10) Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering
doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show
that nine out of ten people die of the disease you
have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others
all died".
11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of
COINCIDENCE? "
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married
on the same day and at the same time."
12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped
down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
Fourth Place :
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife co uld see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what20happened? '
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly r eplied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
============ ========= ========= ========= ========
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife co uld see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what20happened? '
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly r eplied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
============ ========= ========= ========= ========
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.
Somebody sent this to me.. I thought this one is good...
One day an employee sends a letter to Her boss asking for an increase in her salary!!!
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Norman $hah
The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:
Dear NOrman
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Is this true?....
Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a take home packet.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.
Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac .
Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.
Tv has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".
Conclusion: "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!"
---
***
Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a take home packet.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.
Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac .
Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.
Tv has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".
Conclusion: "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!"
---
***
Q: You are driving along a narrow two lane road with a NO PASSING sign posted, and you come upon a bicycle rider. Do you:
(a) Follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 2 miles, or
(b) Do you break the law and pass?
Which is the correct choice?
Scroll down...
IT'S ONLY FOR TWO MILES, WHAT IF SHE FALLS.
If a barber makes a mistake,
If a driver makes a mistake,
It is a
New path
If aN engineer makes a mistake,
If parents makes a mistake,
If a politician makes a mistake,
If a scientist makes a mistake,
If a tailor makes a mistake,
If a teacher makes a mistake ,
If our boss makes a mistake,
It is a
New idea
If an employee makes a mistake,
It is a
Mistake Only
A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits (phone numbers).
The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:
Boy: "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?
Woman: (at the other end of the phone line): "I already have someone to cut my lawn."
Boy: "Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now."
Woman: I'm very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting my lawn.
Boy: (with more perseverance) : "Lady, I'll even sweep
your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will
have the prettiest lawn in all of Palm beach , Florida."
Woman: No, thank you.
With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy.
Store Owner: "Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job."
Boy: "No thanks,
Store Owner: But you were really pleading for one.
Boy: No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the
job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady I was talking to!"
This is what we call "Self Appraisal"
- When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's
because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it
became a Wendy's.
- When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get
charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
- Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could
tell him there was a stripper in it.
- Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to
eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
- There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris
has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
- Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his
markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately,
all blood is dark red.
- A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred
method of execution in 16 states.
- When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get
wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
- Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during
the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse
Kick)
- Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks
through.
- How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could
Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
- Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words
assemble themselves out of fear.
- In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an
even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to
be Chucksized.
- Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
- If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the
country of Australia for 44 minutes.
- Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
- The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck
Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely
soaked in blood and tears.
- A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth
1 billion words.
- Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for
each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is
no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
- Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called
Chuck-Will-Kill.
- When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France,
the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe
side.
- While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding
titanium.
- Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company
when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812
was plagiarized from his autobiography.
- When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
- When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide.
When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
- Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck
Norris to go around.
- Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The
only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
- For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one.
For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
- Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen
SanDiego.
- When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer.
You will score over 8000.
- Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire
spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented
pink.
- When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1.
One roundhouse kick to the face.
- Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won
the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a
Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades
and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
- On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky
child to be thrown into the sun.
- Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck
Norris throws down!
- In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris
Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job".
That is the story of the universe.
- Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
- Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the
water with his own rage.
- Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating
back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has
encountered Chuck Norris"
- Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
- Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was
instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be
contained in one building.
- If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked"
you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
- Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in
thirty-seven seconds.
- Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the
Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his
monther's womb.
- Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one
pin and the other nine faint.
- The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people
on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and
nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the
footage.
- It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
- You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will
die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck
Norris will find you and kill you.
- Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human
life... unless it gets in his way.
- The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until
Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
- There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck
Norris lives in Oklahoma.
- Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
- When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk
around people. He walks through them.
- Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills.
They made him blink.
- James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator.
However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his
movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
- Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
- Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It
was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also
so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
- Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun
and won.
- It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
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