24 posts tagged “joke”

A Company decides to adopt Fridays as Casual Day and they issued a Memo to all department intimating the same.

Week 1

Memo 1: Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.

Week 3

Memo 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day.

Week 6

Memo 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude.

Week 8

Memo 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Week 9

Memo No. 5: As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.

Week 14

Memo 6: The Casual Day Task Force has distributed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been distributed to every employee.

Week 18

Memo 7: Company is providing psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.

Week 20

Memo 8: We are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day is discontinued

Fourth Place :

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
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Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
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Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory. 
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. 
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. 
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife co uld see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what20happened? '

'I got fired.'
'No, Bill.  I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
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Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said.  'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered.  'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly r eplied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.   'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
============ ========= ========= ========= ========


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

Somebody sent this to me.. I thought this one is good...

One day an employee sends a letter to Her boss asking for an increase in her salary!!!

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,

Norman $hah



The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:

Dear NOrman

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Is this true?....



Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.



Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a take home packet.



Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.



Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.



Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.


Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac .



Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.


Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.



Tv has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.



Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".


Conclusion: "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!"


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***

Most men will get this right!


Q:   You are driving along a narrow two lane road with a NO PASSING sign posted,   and you come upon a bicycle rider.   Do you:

(a) Follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 2 miles, or

(b) Do you break the law and pass?

Which is the correct choice?

Scroll down... 




IT'S ONLY FOR TWO MILES, WHAT IF SHE FALLS.

If a barber makes a mistake,



If a driver makes a mistake,

It is a
New path

If aN engineer makes a mistake,


If parents makes a mistake,



If a politician makes a mistake,



If a scientist makes a mistake,



If a tailor makes a mistake,



If a teacher makes a mistake ,


If our boss makes a mistake,

It is a
New idea

If an employee makes a mistake,

It is a
  Mistake Only

A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits (phone numbers).


The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:


Boy: "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?


Woman: (at the other end of the phone line): "I already have someone to cut my lawn."


Boy: "Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now."

Woman: I'm very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting my lawn.



Boy: (with more perseverance) : "Lady, I'll even sweep
your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will
have the prettiest lawn in all of Palm beach , Florida."

Woman: No, thank you.



With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy.


Store Owner: "Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job."

Boy: "No thanks,



Store Owner: But you were really pleading for one.

Boy: No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the
job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady I was talking to!"


This is what we call "Self Appraisal"

WOMEN, AS EXPLAINED BY ENGINEERS


Part I

 
Part II



Part III


Part IV


Part V

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA )
 
"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)
 
"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
 
"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/ Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
 
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)
 
"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months.
Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/ 3M Corp.)
 
Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
 
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday.
When I told my boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year.
He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday.
He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
 
"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)